1000 Times
by lizzybennettdarcy
Summary: A short 5-shot inspired by the Sara Bareilles' "1000 Times". Rachel isn't a fan of living with regrets, but she's got a few and she's not sure where to go from here. Canon up until "The Quarterback". Angsty Rachel/OC and Puck/OC at first.
1. Party Pooper

**Just a little something I wrote up last night. It's a 5-part, short fic. The whole thing should be posted by the end of the week. Canon up til the Klaine proposal but everything after that is fair game. Finn didn't die but he's not a part of this story. Warning - Puck/OC and Rachel/OC relationships to start. Enjoy!**

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><p>Rachel had always tried to live in a way that would leave her without regrets. Life was too short and she had always planned on living life to the fullest. She'd decided early in life what she wanted to do with it. She then worked towards her goals with a drive that left her friendless and covered in slushies for most of her school days. She was obnoxious in her self-belief and driven past the point of decency on many occasions. Her peers hated her and her friends put up with her on her best days. Her worst days had ended alone in tears, even if they had only occurred at home in the privacy of her bedroom.<p>

Her motto had always been that it would be worth it in the end. It would be lonely at the top and high school was just training for that. Glee club had become easier near the end, her former tormentors finally acknowledging her talent, if not her other positive qualities. She'd fallen in love more than once and found a small place for herself within the walls of the choir room. She'd escaped McKinley with most of her dignity intact and had ended up in New York the same day.

She remembered being put on that train by Finn and the club like it was yesterday. It amazed her that it had seven years since she'd arrived here. Her relationship with Finn hadn't survived the distance and neither had many of the friendships she'd carefully cultivated during senior year. She had however ended up living with a few of them over the years. She'd initially lived with Santana and Kurt for her first year in the city. But after a particularly messy breakup with Blaine, Kurt had left the loft and never returned. Blaine had moved in a month later and the three of them had become a makeshift family. Sam and Quinn had moved to the city separately but within months lived together in a building down the street.

Rachel sat on the fire escape and blew out a breath and watched it form in the cold air before her. She pulled the blanket more securely around her shoulders.

The little New York family had only grown since Kurt had left. Sebastian Smythe had moved to NYADA and wooed the hell out of Blaine, carving a place for himself in the process. They'd been together for five years now and it was hard to believe that Blaine had ever been with anyone else.

"What are you doing out here, Berry?"

Rachel let out a shaky breath as the final member of their group sat down beside her on the fire escape. She turned to face him and regretted it as her breath caught in her throat. Her fingers twitched as her eyes roamed over the hard and deeply beautiful facial features of Noah Puckerman. Noah Puckerman, the reason she was currently sitting alone on a fire escape thinking about regrets. Her eyes met his before moving quickly away to stare out into the cool night.

"Just needed some air. It's a little loud in there." She explained as her fingers fisted under the blanket.

She could feel him watching her, the way she'd _always _felt him watching her. He just wasn't watching her the way he had when they were younger. She wasn't the focal point of his world anymore and she wished she'd really _seen _him when she was. The man next to her was her greatest regret and there was nothing she could do about it now. It was too late.

They sat in silence and for the first time in years it was uncomfortable. The tension built between the two of them until she couldn't stand it anymore.

"You should get back in there. It's your party and I'm sure your g-girlfriend is wondering where you went." She stammered on the word girlfriend and her jaw clenched.

He was silent still but she refused to return his gaze. He'd always known her best and she refused to ruin this for him. After another minute of silence he sighed quietly. Her eyes pressed shut tightly and she felt the air shift as he stood and left her. Tears pricked at the corners of her closed eyes but she refused to allow them to fall.

She reflected on simpler times. She remembered a time when she'd had his full attention but she'd never known what to do with it. So she'd ignored the attention and she'd ignored him. She chased the fairy tale that Finn promised instead of exploring what Noah wanted to give her. She wished that she could say she'd figured it out sooner but it had only been a few weeks ago that she'd realised how she felt about him. They'd known each other for most of their lives and been friends for ten years and it had taken her until now to really _see _him. Another regret.

A high-pitched giggle reached her ears and she felt the first tear escape. _Jenna._

"There you are."

A pair of strong arms wrapped around her shoulders and she leaned against Sebastian's chest. His lips pressed against her hair and she sighed as more tears fell.

He held her tighter and she brushed at the tears that would stain her cheeks if she didn't get some control. She buried her face into his neck and breathed in the comforting scent of her best friend. The knot in her chest loosened and she began to relax as he sang softly in her ear.

"Thanks." She mumbled before pulling back and smiling into her favourite pair of green eyes.

"Anytime, pretty girl." Sebastian replied easily.

He dropped his arms as she moved away and knitted his fingers through hers. They stared out at the night sky as the cool air repaired her flushed skin.

"I'm not going to ask about it, not today anyways. But I do have a bone to pick, Rach." His tone became serious and she met his gaze tiredly. "I know what you're feeling and I'm sorry, but you offered to throw him this party and you've spent most of it sitting out on the fire escape. So I need you to march your hot ass into that party and be the perfect host." He put his fingers on her protesting lips and shushed her. "And after making the rounds, you're going to drink your weight in wine and sleep with that record exec friend of Puck's. You wanted him a month ago and he's still hot now."

Rachel felt a smile slip across her lips. "He's here?"

"He is. So stop moping. There's nothing you can do about Puck. So go in there and make me proud."

He pulled her to her feet and kissed her forehead. His thumb wiped her cheek and he winked at her before turning around and pulling her back into the party. Her chin lifted and she propped a smile on her face, and if it was a little dim and a lot fake, well, nobody said anything. She wandered around the room and talked to everyone, sans birthday boy and his date, making sure that everyone had enough food and drinks. She ignored any knowing smiles or gazes that held pity and eventually found herself sticking to the people who didn't know her so well.

With all of her guests served, Rachel kept her own glass full of her favourite wine. She could feel a delicious tingle in her toes as she flirted with Craig, a music exec that she'd met a few months ago. At some point his hand had found her hip and as the party wound down, her attention was focused more on his lips than saying goodbye. She was vaguely aware of Noah thanking her for the party as her fingers brushed through Craig's black hair.

"She looks _busy_ Puck." His date giggled before pulling him towards the door.

Trusting that her friends would clear everyone out, she pulled Craig towards her bedroom. She heard giggles and whispers and felt _him _watching her from the door. She closed her bedroom door to block it all out and smiled up at Craig.

"Here we are." She said quietly as her fingers played with the front of his shirt.

She backed him towards the bed, pushing him to sit on the edge. His hands found her hips once more as her fingers pulled down the zipper of her dress.

"I'm having a bad day, Craig." He opened his mouth but she covered his lips with her hand. "I'd like you to make me forget."

His lips kissed the palm of her hand as her dress fell to the floor. His hands began exploring her exposed skin and her hands moved to his hair.

"I think I can do that."

Somewhere around her fourth orgasm she'd forgotten her own name, but it wasn't until the seventh that she forgot the disappointment in _his _gaze as she'd pulled his friend into her bedroom.

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><p><strong>Let me know what you think? Update either tomorrow or Wednesday. Thanks!<strong>


	2. Dishwater Dame

**Here's the next update, sorry it took longer than I said. Life got real and updating took the back seat. Thanks to those who've read and reviewed. This IS a Puckleberry story but angst is a part of it, so patience will be necessary as this chapter contains non-Puckleberry moments (though to be honest most of the chapters will). The story is already finished so hopefully the updates will happen as regularly as I'd planned. To those readers who don't like how I've written Rachel, Sebastian, Puck etc, don't read. To those who do, Enjoy!**

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><p>Rachel woke up late the next morning and smiled against the bare chest that pillowed her head. She'd asked the man to make her forget and he'd given it his best shot. She stretched against him and he moved beneath her as her naked body rubbed against him. Her hand dipped below the sheet that covered them and he hissed as she gripped him.<p>

"I thought you said this was a one-time thing?" He mumbled sleepily, thrusting into her hand.

Rachel attached her lips to his neck. "I figured I owed you a thank you. Besides," She paused as she kissed her way south. "We technically haven't left the bed yet, so I'm thinking this still counts as one-time."

His response was filthy. They didn't leave her room until later that evening.

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><p>Rachel stretched as she closed the door behind Craig and headed towards the kitchen. She wasn't surprised to see Sebastian cooking dinner and Blaine sitting at the table. Their apartment building had been undergoing electrical updates and they'd spent a few nights here since it started.<p>

"Well you're looking thoroughly fucked." Sebastian quipped as Rachel took a seat next to Blaine at the table.

Blaine snorted and Rachel flipped his boyfriend the bird.

"Jesus, Rachel. You realise it's like 6:30 right?" Santana asked from behind her.

Rachel snorted. "Is everyone here then?"

"Sam and Quinn will be here soon." Blaine announced before adding kindly. "Puck will be here a little later, alone."

"So get changed, Slut." San demanded, dropping a kiss to Rachel's cheek. "You smell like sex."

Rachel laughed and headed toward the shower.

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><p>Sebastian was waiting on her bed when she came back. She shook her head in amusement when she noticed that he'd already laid out her clothes.<p>

"So let's talk. You know everyone will want to talk about it." He started as she dropped her towel and pulled on her panties.

"I asked him to make me forget. And he did. And it turns out that we're really good at sex, like really amazing at it." She told him, pulling on the wrap dress he'd chosen.

"Are you going to see him again?" He wondered, passing her some fuzzy socks.

"I might. He knows I'm not interested in dating though."

Sebastian sighed. He dropped a kiss to her cheek and headed for the door. "Dinner will be ready in a few. The others are here."

Rachel towel-dried her hair and then headed out to the dining room. She hugged Quinn and Sam, who apologized for missing the party. She sat down beside Sebastian, across from the empty chair and they began to pass around the food. It had become a tradition for them after they moved out of the loft. They met up every Sunday night for a family dinner. Sebastian usually cooked and the wine always flowed.

"So what did we miss?" Sam asked, kissing Quinn's hand.

Santana and Sebastian traded gossip as Rachel's mind wandered. She was pulled out of her reverie when she heard Santana talking about her hookup.

"She didn't leave her room until like an hour ago!" Santana yelled.

Rachel heard her front door open and close and Noah walked into the room, behind Santana.

"Seriously, Craig was just fucking drilling her. I should have just taxied home last night. I'd only just gotten to sleep this morning when she started screaming again." Santana crowed, raising her glass to Rachel. "You guys have heard her sing but, man does she like to _scream_!"

There was a moment of awkward silence before Sam greeted Puck and he sat across from Rachel. He cleared his throat, piling food onto his plate.

"So what are we talking about?"

Santana's eyes widened comically and Rachel glared at her friend. Santana had made her opinions on Noah's girlfriend clear.

"Rachel's new boyfriend." She replied, smirking at Rachel.

"Boyfriend?" He asked stiffly, staring at Rachel.

Rachel wiped her mouth with a napkin and stared at Santana, refusing to meet his gaze.

"He's not my boyfriend."

Santana snorted. "He should be. Anyone who can make you scream like that is a solid choice."

Rachel's teeth were clenched. Santana was pissing her off and trying to rile Noah up. She didn't seem to understand that there was nothing to rile. He was with someone else.

A calming hand found her knee and Rachel took a deep breath. She smiled up at Sebastian.

"This is delicious Seb. As always." She announced, effectively changing the subject.

Sebastian preened under the praise and winked at her. "Well my life got a lot easier once you stopped with that vegan shit."

Laughter filled the room and the tension was broken. Quinn leaned forward and smiled. "Rach, have you decided on a new show yet?"

Rachel had just finished a very successful run as Belle in "Beauty and the Beast". She'd won two Tony awards now and she was taking a bit of a break to decide what was next. She'd been off work for a month now and she was starting to itch for a new project.

"I've actually looked at a few scripts but I was thinking about taking a break from the stage for a while." She told her friends.

"So what's the plan?" Sam asked, passing a bottle of wine around the table.

Rachel was nervous suddenly. "I'm um, thinking about recording. I have notebooks full of songs and some of them aren't half bad." She grinned self-deprecatingly. "None of them are as good as "My headband" but…" She trailed off to the howls of laughter.

Sam, Blaine and Sebastian burst into a three part harmony of "My headband" to the delight of them all. Rachel cleared the dishes and shooed them into the living room while she cleaned up. She was elbow deep in dishwater when he cleared his throat behind her. Water slopped over the edge of the sink and onto the floor. Her eyes closed as he grabbed a dishtowel and cleaned the water at her feet. He stepped back and she started breathing again. He began drying the dishes as she cleaned.

"Thanks for the party." His words broke the silence as his gaze settled upon her once again.

She nodded, emptying the sink of dirty water. She refilled the sink with hot, soapy water and began again.

"Craig huh?" He asked quietly.

Rachel shrugged, dropping some cutlery in the dish rack.

"I didn't know you were thinking about recording." He tried again.

She shrugged once more and he sighed in exasperation.

"Is this how things are going to be now? Because last week you were one of my best friends and now you won't even fucking look at me." He growled with nothing but hurt in his voice.

Rachel bowed her head over the water, properly ashamed but unsure of what to do.

"Fine." He turned to go and was halfway out of the kitchen when Rachel's mouth opened.

"Noah?" She heard him pause but neither turned around. "I'm not dating him. We're just," She paused. "And I've been thinking about recording for a while now. I think it's the next logical step."

"Do you want me to get you an appointment with-"

"No!" She watched him turn around in the window reflection. "I need to do this myself. I don't need any help."

He glared at her reflection as their eyes connected in the dark window. "Right, whatever."

They stood there in silence until, "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing's going on." She lied and she watched as her dishonesty hit him.

His eyebrows scrunched together and his mouth twisted. She heard his jaw snap shut before he turned and walked away from her.

She took her time with the dishes. By the time she made it to the living room he was already gone.

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><p><strong>Before I get attacked with more "she's being a brat and childish" messages, I promise it will be addressed next chapter. Thanks for reading.<strong>


	3. Hard Truths and Harder Apologies

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I have family coming in for the weekend so I figured I should post this now. Another short one. Enjoy!**

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><p>"You're being a brat." Sebastian stated as she walked into her apartment later that week.<p>

Rachel placed her night bag on the table and dropped into a chair. She raised an eyebrow in question.

"Sleeping over at Craig's every night and ignoring Puck is bullshit." He clarified, taking the seat across from her.

"You're the one who told me to get over it and under Craig." She accused lightly, guilt gnawing at her insides.

"Don't be a bitch Berry." He snarked, tapping her nose playfully. "I told you to sleep with him because he's hot and you were interested before everything with Puck. It was supposed to be a reward for getting through the night. I didn't say to stop being Puck's friend and find a new fuck-buddy."

Rachel dropped her head onto the cool table and blew out a breath before mumbling, "I don't know how to be his friend anymore."

"That's bullshit." His tone was hard and she looked up at him. "What? Just because you're in love with him and he's with someone else, you can't be his friend?"

"Well, I-"

Sebastian placed a hand in her face and fixed her with a steely glare.

"Welcome to his life, Babe." Sebastian bit out.

Rachel sat back and stared at her friend in horror.

"He spent how many years in love with you, watching you date everyone but him? Finn, Jesse, Brody and every other shitty guy you've been with since high school. And he was always your friend. Always." Sebastian tangled his fingers through hers and he delivered a hard truth. "So you're going to shit all over him the first time he dates someone? Are you going to be _that _girl? Because you aren't _that_ girl. We both know you're a million times _better_ than _that_ girl. We wouldn't be friends if you were _that_ girl, so smarten the fuck up, Rachel Berry."

Rachel fixated on their tangled fingers as his words hovered above them heavily. Properly shamed, she did her best to throw him a half-smile. "When did you get so damn smart anyways?"

Sebastian grinned, seriousness behind them; message successfully delivered. "Perfection is a gift, Babydoll. Now go fix this."

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><p>Rachel leaned against the elevator wall as it climbed towards the fifth floor where Noah's office was located. She'd thought about stopping by his apartment but she really didn't want to run into <em>Jenna. <em>She sighed as she realised she should probably stop adding a snarky tone when she thought about his girlfriend. The door popped open and she walked down the hall towards his office. She knocked on the door and walked in when she heard a muffled "Come in". He was reading something on his laptop when she stepped into view and didn't immediately look up. She shifted awkwardly as she tried to figure out how to apologize without telling him why she'd been so horrible. He looked tired and very tense. She wasn't so arrogant as to think that she was the sole cause of his stress but she certainly hadn't helped. The man sitting in front of her was one of her very best friends, as he'd proved countless times over the years. Noah defined selflessness in the way he'd tackled their relationship over the years; she owed him the very same.

When he finally looked up there was surprise on his face before the walls of defense went up. He'd been open with her since they were fifteen. He was hiding from her now, the way he'd always hidden from the people who hurt him, who could hurt him. She'd screwed things up royally; she'd really hurt him. She bit her lip, unsure of what to say.

"Craig's office isn't on this floor."

She flinched at his snide tone; the defense mechanism she hadn't seen since high school, not since they had broken up on the bleachers.

"I'm not here to see Craig." She answered quietly.

He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. She did her best not to squirm as he regarded her coolly.

"Why are you here?" He asked finally with forced disinterest.

Rachel's hands twisted together as she fought to keep his gaze. "I'm here to apologize. I haven't been a good friend to you and I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

His arms uncrossed but he still looked unimpressed. His silence spurred her on.

"I wasn't a great friend at your party and I shouldn't have snapped at you at dinner the other night. I know you've been calling, I just wasn't sure how to explain myself."

He leaned forward on his desk and rubbed a hand over his closely-trimmed hair. "You don't like Jenna." It was a statement, not a question. Rachel considered negating his assumption but she didn't have a better answer. This was an out and as close to the truth as she was willing to go. If he was happy then she would suck it up and be happy for him. He deserved this.

"No, not really. But that doesn't excuse my behavior." She stepped forward. "I'm sorry, Noah."

He shook his head as he gave in. He stood and stepped around the desk. He pulled her into his arms and she relaxed completely. Her nose brushed against his collarbone and he held her tighter.

"It's okay." He mumbled against her hair.

"It's not." She shook her head. "It isn't. I'm sorry. I'll try harder."

She would swear later that his lips brushed lightly against her hair, but it was probably just wishful thinking.

They pulled apart and he smiled down at her. "Any chance you've changed your mind about me helping you with recording?"

Rachel weighed the pros and cons of the situation quickly. She wasn't sure that spending a lot of time together was the best idea in light of her feelings and his relationship status. But the hopeful smile on his face negated all of her concerns. She pulled her notebook out of her purse and placed it on his desk.

"There's no one I'd trust more, Noah."

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><p>The next few days flew by in a rush of paperwork and introductions. Upon Noah's recommendation and her Broadway reputation, Rachel was quickly signed to Blurred Records, the record company that had hired Noah a year after graduation. He worked mainly as a studio musician but often signed talent and helped develop albums. After some begging, he'd been placed in charge of her album and would also be helping with the music.<p>

Their dinner the next Sunday had been a joyous occasion as the group celebrated her new career move. Although unspoken, the group was just as excited about the fact that the two of them were talking again.

Rachel was now spending every day at Blurred with Noah and she found herself pursuing their friendship with renewed enthusiasm. Her feelings were what they were but she was properly ashamed of her selfish behavior earlier that month. They had an unspoken rule to not mention Craig and Jenna and everything worked out well.

There was the occasional moment when he read a new lyric and clearly wanted to ask who had inspired her. She'd been channelling her excess energy and feelings into new music. She'd filled a notebook in the last month and it was inspired. But he didn't ask and she didn't tell.

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><p><strong>Hope you liked it! Enjoy the rest of the weekend!<strong>


	4. Soundbooths and Sorrow

**Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed. Only one chapter left after this one. The song used is the one that inspired the fic, "1000 times" by Sara Bareilles. Enjoy!**

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><p>"Does he know?" Craig asked as they lay in his bed one night.<p>

Rachel pulled the sheet higher to protect her wet, cooling skin. "Hmmm?"

They'd spent several nights together over the last month but it was clear that there would never be more than sex and friendship between them.

"Puck. Does he know?"

Rachel tensed momentarily before relaxing onto his chest. "No. No, he doesn't."

Craig was quiet as his finger rubbed circles on her shoulder.

"Is that a problem?" She wondered aloud.

His hand dipped lower on her back as he pulled her more tightly to his chest. "Not really. I knew the first time we were together." She wasn't surprised. Craig was much smarter than he let on. "But you're working on the album together and I've heard some of the demos. It doesn't take a genius to guess who those songs are about, Babe."

She was quiet for a long time. "It doesn't bother you?"

"You need some more time to figure things out, I get it. You have a lot of history. You'll have to face it eventually though." He chuckled lowly before rolling on top of her. "Hey, as long as it's _my _name you're screaming tonight." He kissed her. "We always knew this was just sex. Mind-blowing sex between friends."

He had her there.

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><p>Things had been pretty damn perfect for the first two months of working together. They spent all day together, writing, singing and taking long lunch breaks. It was sort of like glee club but without popularity, competitions, angsty teachers and Finn. Things were perfect until one day when things weren't anymore.<p>

The sun was shining and the ice had finally melted. Spring had come and Rachel was celebrating. She buzzed into the building, holding two iced coffees and greeting everyone on the way. She stepped off the elevator and breezed into his office and almost walked right into Jenna. Jenna, who she'd managed to avoid since meeting her. She mumbled an apology and tried to back out of the room before Noah apologetically told her that he'd be out of the office for a few days.

"Jenna's parents are in town and I promised I'd meet them and show them the city. I got so caught up on the album that I forgot it was this week." She avoided his eyes and nodded.

"No problem. I'll um work with some of the others." She raised her chin and finally met his gaze. "I'll see if Craig can help me. I have a new song in mind." She smiled at Jenna, although it felt more like a grimace.

She walked out of the office without another word and headed up to see Craig. He accepted the iced coffee that hadn't been bought for him and he also didn't say a word as she tearfully sat on the couch in his office and began scribbling furiously in her notepad.

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><p>Three days later she stood in the sound booth and listened as the tech began to play back the music for the song she'd written. They'd recorded the instrumentals the day before and it was time to lay the vocals. She heard Noah's voice over the intercom as the music began but she ignored him. She placed the headphones on her head and began to sing.<p>

**Back of the room  
>Looking at you<br>Counting the steps  
>Between us<strong>

**A hundred and five**  
><strong>Little blades in a line<strong>  
><strong>From your skin to mine<strong>  
><strong>And I feel it<strong>

She sang about the thing she'd refused to say. The fact that he was on the other side of the glass didn't matter anymore. Her feelings could no longer be pushed down to battle deep within her being. It was going to destroy her. She was the girl who'd always wanted, and felt everything too much.

**Eyes on the ground**  
><strong>But I can't look up now<strong>  
><strong>Don't wanna give it away<strong>  
><strong>My secret<strong>

**In another life,**  
><strong>My teeth and tongue<strong>  
><strong>Would speak aloud what until now<strong>  
><strong>I've only sung<strong>

It was time to come clean, consequences be damned.

**Cause I would die to make you mine**  
><strong>Bleed me dry each and every time<strong>  
><strong>I don't mind, no I don't mind it<strong>  
><strong>I would come back 1000 times<strong>

**You can make me wait forever**  
><strong>Push me away and tell me never<strong>  
><strong>I don't mind, no I don't mind it<strong>  
><strong>I would come back 1000 times<strong>  
><strong>Hey hey<strong>

She could feel his gaze on her through the glass but she fought through it and pushed on.

**Kiss me goodnight**  
><strong>Like a good friend might<strong>  
><strong>I'll do the same<strong>  
><strong>But won't mean it<strong>

**Cause love is a cage**  
><strong>These words on a page<strong>  
><strong>Carry the pain<strong>  
><strong>They don't free it<strong>

**In another life**  
><strong>I wouldn't need to<strong>  
><strong>Console myself<strong>  
><strong>As I resign to release you<strong>

Her voice shook as she sang about letting him go.

**Cause I would die to make you mine**  
><strong>Bleed me dry each and every time<strong>  
><strong>I don't mind, no I don't mind it<strong>  
><strong>I would come back 1000 times<strong>

**You can make me wait forever**  
><strong>Push me away and tell me never<strong>  
><strong>I don't mind, no I don't mind it<strong>  
><strong>I would come back 1000 times<strong>

**Again again**  
><strong>I let it go, let it go<strong>  
><strong>Cover my mouth<strong>  
><strong>Don't let a single word slip out<strong>

She had spent hours sitting in Craig's office writing this song. After cancelling all appointments, he had handed her a tape recorder as she hummed out the tune that was echoing through her head. The song was ready by the time they left the office and that night he simply held her as she cried.

**Wouldn't wanna tell you, no**  
><strong>Tell you, no<strong>  
><strong>Nothing could be worse<strong>  
><strong>Than the risk of<strong>  
><strong>Losing what I don't have now<strong>

**And we could buy the minute, though**  
><strong>Is it so bad if I wanna cry out<strong>

Tears fell as she neared the end of the song. Every romantic choice she'd ever made flashed in front of her eyes and she found herself regretting almost all of them. She'd made so many mistakes and now she was here. She was singing about a heartbreak that was of her own making to the man on the other side of the glass. It shouldn't surprise her that she was doing it in song. When had she ever actually _said _anything important? She'd always sung the things that mattered the most. And this right here? It mattered the most. And it just might ruin everything they'd ever built together.

**That I would die to make you mine**  
><strong>Bleed me dry almost every time<strong>  
><strong>But I don't mind, no I don't mind it<strong>  
><strong>I would come back 1000 times<strong>

**Make me wait forever**  
><strong>Push me away and tell me never<strong>  
><strong>I don't mind, no I don't mind it<strong>  
><strong>I would come back 1000 times<strong>  
><strong>I would come back 1000 times (Hey yeah)<strong>  
><strong>I would come back 1000 times<strong>

The music faded and she pulled the headphones from her head.

"I'm done, I think." She told the tech on the other side of the glass, aware of the meaning that her words held for the other man in the booth as well. "Can I do the retakes next week?"

She didn't wait for permission as she walked out of the sound booth and hurried down the hallway. A door opened and slammed closed behind her and her steps quickened. She was almost at the elevator when she heard his steps behind her. She smacked the elevator call button and tapped her foot impatiently.

"Rachel." Her eyes watered and closed. He was still a ways behind her and she really needed the elevator to hurry up.

"Rachel." He repeated, pleadingly with so much left unspoken.

The elevator chimed and she stepped on quickly, hitting the button to close the door.

"Rachel?" His voice was soft and confused as her leaking eyes raised to meet his. There was too much going on in his eyes, too many confusing emotions and she looked away as the door closed between them. She wiped at her cheeks and put on her sunglasses as the lift opened in the lobby. She greeted no one as she hurried out of the building and towards the park. Looked like Rachel Berry could still storm out like no one else, even if this time it was no more than a terrified retreat. She'd left her pride somewhere in the sound booth, along with her heart.

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><p><strong>Let me know what you think? The next one will be up tomorrow probably. Thanks!<strong>


	5. Funny Girl and Facing the Music

**So this is it. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this little story. Enjoy!**

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><p>"The song was beautiful." Craig whispered against her hair as they watched the movie.<p>

She'd shown up at his apartment in tears and he'd suggested a viewing of Funny Girl. She was snuggled up against his chest, sniffling occasionally.

"I stopped by to hear it after you left. It's beautiful." He continued when she said nothing. "But I think it's probably best if we don't sleep together anymore Rach."

"I know." She mumbled against his shoulder.

"The two of you are never going to figure things out if you're sleeping with me. And it's hard to deny that there are things to figure out when I've heard that song."

Rachel sighed and snuggled deeper against his tearstained shoulder. "I'm really happy you and I are friends."

He chuckled and dropped a kiss to her forehead. "So what are you going to do?"

"That's the question isn't it?" Rachel grumbled before pulling away and getting to her feet. "Time to grow up I guess." She kissed him on the forehead and left.

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><p>She wasn't surprised to find him sitting outside her apartment against the wall. She unlocked her door and left it open. He followed her inside, closing the door behind him. They stood in her living room, staring at each other. She scraped a toe against the carpet.<p>

"How long have you been sitting out there?" She asked awkwardly.

"About four hours." His tone was a war between nonchalance and irritation.

Rachel's eyes widened and her hands started twisting together. Her gaze dropped from his as she swallowed around the knot lodged in her throat.

"I was at Craig's. We were watching Funny Girl." She explained to the floor.

She heard his knuckles crack as his hands balled into fists.

"It wasn't like that! I was upset and ashamed and about a hundred other horrible emotions and you know how Funny Girl always makes me feel better and I-"

"What was the song about, Rachel?" His voice was quiet but it cut off her rambling quite effectively.

"Um it wasn't a what, so much as a," She paused and took a deep breath. "So much as a Who."

She heard his shaky exhale and closed her eyes as he asked the question she wasn't sure she was ready to answer.

"Who was it about, Rachel?"

Rachel fought with herself for a moment as her more cowardly self of late tried to convince her to lie. _He deserves better. _Her conscience sounded strangely like Sebastian. Her nose wrinkled as she decided to shelve that little nugget for another day.

She raised her chin and looked at him squarely. "You."

She watched as a myriad of emotions flicked across his handsome face with such speed that she had a hard time identifying any of them.

"All of them are about you." She added when she realised he wasn't ready to speak.

"How long?" He asked finally, clearly frustrated.

Rachel shrugged one shoulder. "Forever maybe? I've only been aware of it for a few months, but I think it was always there." She gave him a sad half-smile. "Finn was always accusing me of secretly loving you. Our friends all think I always have."

He ran a hand through his short hair as he tried to process what she was telling him. "That's why you pulled away. Why you wouldn't look at me or talk to me. Why you cut me out."

She nodded. "Until Sebastian told me I was being a brat. He said that-" She trailed off, unsure of how to re-enact the more uncomfortable moments of that conversation.

His eyes narrowed. "He said what?"

She dropped her gaze for a moment before meeting his eyes again with regret. "He said that you had to watch me with other guys for years. That you still managed to be my best friend, even though," she breathed out shakily. "You were in love with me."

He didn't deny her words. That shouldn't surprise her.

"He basically told me to grow up because you deserved better." He was just standing there staring at her. "And so I did."

"Until today." He offered.

"Until today."

Her hands smoothed at her dress anxiously as they stared at each other wordlessly. She'd always been able to read him but she had no idea what he was thinking. She was at a loss and she hated that.

"Why didn't you say anything?" He asked when the silence became too heavy.

Tears filled her eyes and she tried to ignore them as she answered him. "Because it was too late. You didn't love me anymore. You found someone else to make you happy."

His mouth popped open in surprise and she kept talking. If this was the end then she'd make it count.

"You've never dated anyone, you know? You've always kept it casual and suddenly you had a girlfriend and I realised how I felt and now it's too late. And I'm an idiot because you were always there and now you aren't. I mean you are, but not in that way and I'm just, sorry that I didn't see you sooner." The tears were falling at this point and she made no move to wipe them away.

More silence followed her words and her tears fell freely.

"What about Craig?"

"What about him? We're friends." He raised his eyebrows. "Who sleep together or at least we did. We decided not to anymore. He didn't mind it before but then he helped me with the song and he just didn't want to be a part of it anymore and I didn't either. So now we're just friends who used to sleep together, I guess."

"I'm not really sure what to say." Noah admitted, running another hand through his short hair. Rachel chuckled humourlessly.

"Take your pick really. There's always "You're too late." Or "I love someone else." Or "You could've had me anytime in the last ten years and _now _you want me?" Or "I don't think we can be friends anymore." Or," Rachel choked on a sob as she tried to continue. "Or maybe you could say "I'm the most important part of your world and you've taken me for granted for too damn long. I'm a great person and a loyal friend and I sort of complete you but you just didn't see it and it's your loss." You c-could say t-that!"

She was crying so hard that she could barely see him through her puffy eyes.

"I don't like any of those." He replied from somewhere in front of her.

She couldn't think of any other responses. She shrugged helplessly.

"So just to be clear. You're in love with me."

Rachel nodded, waiting for his rejection.

"And it's too late because of Jenna?"

Rachel wiped blindly at her eyes and mumbled, "And because I suck."

Rachel jumped at his bark of laughter and found that he was much closer to her than he had been a moment earlier.

"You kind of do. Jesus, it's been ten years, Rach." His hand reached out and cradled her cheek. She leaned into it despite herself.

He pulled her into his arms and she sank into them. "You're the most infuriating woman I know." She nodded because he had a point. "Jenna and I haven't been together for like a month, Rach. I was just showing a friend's parents around the city."

Rachel's heart thundered as she processed this information. She slowly raised her head to look into his eyes. "Really?"

A grin transformed his face and she smiled back. His hand wiped at her tears and he rolled his eyes. "I've been waiting for you to love me back for fucking _years _and here we are covered in tears and snot. Not what I had pictured to be honest."

Rachel ignored the teasing. "You still love me?"

Noah sighed and pressed his forehead against hers. "I've always loved you, Crazy. And I always will. God help me."

Rachel squealed and he laughed before bending his head to kiss the breath out of her. Rachel threw herself into the kiss with the same passion she gave everything else in her life.

"About. Fucking. Time!" Rang a chorus of voices behind them.

They pulled apart and twisted around to look at the doorway, where all of their friends stood.

"Is it Sunday?" Rachel wondered.

"Damn it, one kiss and she's forgotten what day it is." Sebastian teased as they all piled into the apartment.

"Just wait til they finally fuck." Santana replied with a cackle. "All that unresolved sexual tension! It's going to be cataclysmic!"

Rachel glared at her friend but shivered when Noah's hand brushed against her lower back. He kissed her again before pulling her into the kitchen where their family was. They withstood the teasing as they all cooked and then ate together. The night was a blur of laughter, friendship and anticipation.

"I want details tomorrow!" Santana and Sebastian crowed as they were ushered forcefully out of the apartment.

The door closed behind their friends and Rachel turned into his arms. As his mouth covered hers and they made their way back towards the couch, she had a hard time justifying just why it had taken them this long to get here. His hands moved over her body and she decided she regretted nothing. All of her choices had gotten her here, them here.

They spent hours discovering each other and finally resolving all those years of sexual tension. Her voice was gone the next morning. So they called in sick that day. And the next. And the day after that.

By the time they made it back to work, Rachel had pages of new songs, happier songs, to record. And if the two of them made out like teenagers in his office between takes, well that just none of your damn business.

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><p><strong>One last review? Thanks!<strong>


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